Curiosities of Kindness
I find it so curious that when something kind is done for me, be it requested or not,
I feel the need to repay this act. However, when I do something for someone else, I don't want the other person to repay it or reciprocate. I did this act out of my love for them and doing so filled me with joy. Why is there this double standard? I can do something for someone without wanting repayment but they can't for me?
This is a reoccurring theme I am discovering - standards for yourself are much harsher than standards for others.
I'm curious if this particular thought stems, for me at least, from a vocabulary of obligation and "sacrifice" in my youth. That sound harsh. Let me explain.
As a child, I was in several environments where is something was kind was done for you, even as simple as sharing a snack, there was an unspoken expectation that this act would be reciprocated. It was understood that you would do the same for them, or at least something similar, in the future. If you did not, it would be considered rude or even a tiny act of betrayal (at least in the mind of a child).
Curious how something as simple and wholesome as "kindness" can be turned into a game of obligation.
An additional idea that was reinforced by my family was never expect anything in return but go above and beyond for others. For example, if someone is sick, absolutely go out of your way to help and take care of them. Because of course you would. But never ever ask anyone to go out of their way to help you when you are sick. If you are sick, downplay your illness and reject every offer of help.
Good gracious.
How it took me so long to recognize this as a ridiculous concept, I will never know.
Because reciprocity was the standard in one direction and sacrifice the standard in the other, a shift from that is difficult to resolve. But then this raises the question of how does one operate if genuine kindness is simply a part of those you surround yourself by; how do you make the distinction between kindness that expects reciprocation vs a kindness done out of love that wants no repayment. Does a distinction need to be made? Is the former real kindness at all?
I think this boils down to trust and motivations. I have come to the conclusion that if I act with good intentions and am motivated by simply wanting to do something kind for someone, I'm all clear on my end. I have to trust that the people I do things for will just say thank you and move on. But this also means that I have to trust that when they do something kind for me, it is also for kindness' sake. They are being nice. I should also just accept it and say thank you. If they want repayment, that wasn't kindness to being with.
An addition to this is remembering that you are WORTH being kind to.
This isn't an opinion. It's a fact.
It's sad that this is something we need to remind ourselves and others of. Usually, it is POCs, femmes, non binary individuals, any marginalized people really, who have a hard time remembering this, myself included.
Post Script:
I wonder if some of things I write about are actually examples of how living an overtly patriarchal society can mess with womxn's understanding of what is "expected of them" as well as their own self worth and capabilities. Just a thought.
To be explored further, likely on the bus =) .